So here goes then . . . .

Manchester Blog Awards 2011 – Manchester Literature Festival

This blog has been nominated and short listed in the category - Best personal Blog!

wow! I can play it cool but I’m actually quite excited by this because for one I can’t spell and my grammar is appalling. For a start dyslexia is a word that should be easier  for a dyslexic to spell and also something that can’t be cured. It’s been a thorn in my side all of my life. Even with the spell checker my written results are pretty bad.

What really bugs me is when the spelling police try to show how dam clever  well educated they are by pulling up every error I ever make (mainly on facebook). What annoys me even more is that I was privately educated and the spelling police seem to think that this should have been a cure for my dyslexia and tend to throw verbal attacks at me because I’m a posh school kid that failed. (believe me I’m not posh)

My reply to the spelling and grammar police is simple. . . .  sod off.  What I lack in spelling and grammar , I make up for in other areas such as art and design. It’s the art and design that make me my money and that is all I care about.

Ahhh Rant over

The other good reason about the award is that if I did win it would raise the awareness of bipolar.

There is an award evening on the wed 19th October 2011 at the deaf institute in Manchester.  Tickets are £5 or available on the door so i believe. checkout http://www.manchesterblogawards.com for more information.

It would be great to see some of you there!

Black-out-Berry

In a week when the already smug iPhone users were looking forward to yet another iPhone being released I was having to revert back to sending my messages my carrier pigeon. I use my Blackberry for emails mainly. I’m always on the go and can send and receive up to 200 emails per day from work, clients and Nigerian lottery scams. So for the first time in years I have had to carry my backpack with a laptop in it just to get my damm email.
Sitting in Costa Coffee in Manchester vocally begging the dongle on my laptop to connect and explaining to clients on my phone that BB is still down provided much entertainment to the smug git on the table opposite, who was showing his iPhone and Ipad off.
To top off my Blackberry misery, When it did finally come back on 4 days later I received instant messages that were meant for other people! including a photo of a dog in a clown wig and wearing a pair of boxer shorts! Then at last the email came to life . . . . well almost. Blackberry thought it would be easier for them to delete any emails stuck in the system. So the only email I got after four day of waiting for one advertising some penis cream.

Manchester Tarts

The edible kind and not the kind that hang around various parts of the city late at night waiting for some mug with a wallet full of cash to buy them a drink.

I tried a Manchester tart for the first time since 1988 . Unfortunately it meant that the diet took a bit of  hit. But I’m only supporting my local food industry after all ;)

Wiki describes a Manchester Tart as the following :

The Manchester tart is a traditional English baked tart, which consists of a shortcrust pastry shell, spread with raspberry jam, covered with a custard filling and topped with flakes of coconut and a Maraschino cherry. One variation of the original recipe includes slices of banana underneath the custard with the jam.

A staple on school dinner menus until the mid 1980s, the original Manchester Tart is a variation on an earlier recipe, the Manchester Pudding, which was first recorded by the Victorian cookery writer, Mrs Beeton.

 

I was brought up on them as a child of Thatchers 1980′s. You really must give it a try! oh and make sure you try the Banana version.  Just Google the Recipe and slave over making one OR you could just do what I did and go to Bury Market and pick one up for £1.80

Bury Light Night

Organised by the local council and Billed by the local council as a night of light and entertainment . . . so naturally I thought I would be hyped up and then a real let down when we turned up. How wrong I was.

It really did seem that the entire town come out for this. A great bit of community spirit just when we needed it in these tough times.

The even started at 5pm and finished at 11pm. there was a rather impressive fireworks display every 30 minutes and more food than I could cope with! I am the last person on earth you would expect to pat a local council on the back but this time they deserve it.

My son really enjoyed the garden of fire (as the very blurry pic below shows)

It was nice to have some family time which is a rare event at the moment. There were 1000′s of families out enjoying the night. On a normal Friday night we would all be stuck in front of the TV .
So that’s a little round up of what I have been up to this week. Thanks for reading

I have come to the conclusion that my beloved Manchester is a Bipolar proof City. By this I mean that sometimes it’s a really fantastically happy place to live or a really depressing place to live.  Maybe the way Manchester works can reflect my current moods?

I strongly believe that if I did not live in Manchester I would suffer more. There is so much about this city that fits into my mood state. there are places I like to go when I’m depressed (if I can leave the house at all) but there are also so many opportunities to feed the manic mind. In Manchester you can walk to work with your clothes on inside out and holding a power rangers lunch box and people won’t care. They just assume you’re at bit crackers or doing something different for the day, but they don’t care. It’s what makes this great city tick. Of course you don’t have to be mad to live in Manchester, but it helps.

I have lived in Many towns and cities including London. Nowhere on earth can offer the laid back attitude to life like Manchester does.

When the recent riots happened it was gut wrenching to watch the kids destroying the city centre. There is a genuine feeling of anger and even rage that these people have done this. How dare they!

Something good came out of the riots. only 6 hours later the true Mancunian people descended on the city centre not just to help with the clean up, but also to show their love and support for this great place. We bounced back again. Stronger and more resilient than ever.

The police did a fantastic job under very difficult circumstances but I believe that the reaction of the people of Manchester was the reason a second night of violence didn’t happen.

in 1996 the IRA blew the city centre up using the biggest peace time bomb ever to explode in Europe since the war. We fought back and rebuilt the city and exceeding expectations. The Mancunian people would not let this drag us down. You can destroy our city centre as many times as you like but you will NEVER destroy Mancunian pride, Mancunian passion and Mancunian resolve. I believe that the IRA did us a massive favour in the end. It forced us to regenerate leading to massive growth for the city.

The City oozes positivity. I see Manchester as a drug. the city helps me. When I’m feeling down I jump on the metro and go into town. It always picks me up. When I’m manic I still go into town because it occupies my mind.

The recent “I love Manchester” campaign proved just how special and wonderful this place is. I can’t honestly think of another place I have visited on earth where people or so proud of where they are from. When Mancunians are out of town and asked where they are from we don’t just tell them we are from Manchester, we announce it with pride and honour. It’s such a fantastic place that people who live outside the Manchester boundary will say they are from here*. There is even a well known football team that uses the Manchester name yet is situated in a city (Salford)  just a few miles away**.

Manchester, Salford, whatever . . . this whole area lives together and has created my bipolar proof City.

*people from salford wont agree  **oh come on im a blue, I had to get this in

Positive Thinking 

So Manchester life has embedded this positive thinking strategy in my brain. It’s this positive thinking that can just about take the sting out of some of my depression periods. Unfortunately I will always go through depression but positive thinking earns me a few days at each side of the mood change.

Over a year I would say that positive thinking gives me 20 days back where I can function more normally. that’s 20 day more I can enjoy with my son, 20 days more where I can work to my full potential. It may not seem much to the outsider but for me it’s like extra life.

It’s fair to say that I have had a rough deal from life. the death of my son, the suicide of my girlfriend, Cancer, homelessness and serious physical and mental abuse from my alcoholic mum and dad when I was a kid has been enough to battle against, without the main contender for misery which is my bipolar disorder.  Yet I remain positive and have a love for life (unless I’m seriously down)

Life by its very nature throws obstacles in your way. It puts people in place who are determined to steal your dreams and be cynical of everything you do. They will put you down at every given opportunity. It can take 20 people to encourage you to follow your dream but it will only take one person to steal your dream with a cynical reaction.

If you have a dream, an ambition then what’s more important than the cynics NOT buying your story is that YOU do not buy THEIR story. These people are obstacles and they don’t count.

Nobody is perfect enough in life to have everybody agree with them and say yes to them all of the time, but nobody is that imperfect to get all no’s and rejection. Keep fighting for what you believe in.

If you listen to the dream stealers and cynics there is a danger you will end up living somebody else’s dream under their terms.

you need to experience the no’s and let downs because if you don’t experience them how can you be empathetic to others? No’s and rejection make the Yes’s and acceptance much more sweeter.

Rejoice in the no’s and tribulations they teach you patience and endurance, they make you strong, so that when your leaping from mountain to mountain and hit a valley, you’re not wiped out in the valley, because when you’re in the valley you can look up and remember the view.

everything you need for success in life is already burns within you, if your believe if something is big enough the obstacles don’t count, it does not matter if you have education or no education, It does not matter where you come from in life, it does not matter who you are because if your dream is big enough the obstacles don’t count!

There is a fire inside every one of us waiting to roar. Every now and then an opportunity will come along to make your fire burn bigger and brighter. This opportunity is life. If life does not light your fire then your wood is wet and you need to make changes.

I see people come and go in my life who have had so many opportunities come their way and they have done nothing about it. If I can make a success of life, then anybody can. you just have to find out how to light your fire.

We are all going to the same place. We will all experience the same end. That experience is death. So what will you be thinking about in your final moments? Do not go through life and not live it. Don’t be laid on your death bed with regrets about not living life they way you dreamed about, you won’t get another chance.

don’t travel through life and concentrate on the bugs splattered in the windscreen, if you do that you will miss the view!

If you have a talent use it now. if you have a dream make your dream a reality, if you have a grudge bury it now and if you have love inside of you that you want to share with somebody, now is the time to do it.

My blog has been shortlisted for the Manchester Blog awards 2011. If you are enjoying my blog please vote for me. it only takes a second. Click on the purple blog awards logo on the top right of the page.  voting closes at the end of October 10th 2011 Thank you

The following post is a very general summary of how depression in bipolar has controlled my life. Please be aware that these words are my own thoughts and personal experiences and do not necessarily reflect the thoughts and experiences of all bipolar sufferers. For more information on this website please read the “about the blog” page

Everybody gets depressed. There are times in our lives when we feel really low, it’s a natural thing that is built into us.

It is believed that most depressions can be brought on by an event or your personal circumstances. It could be that you hate your job or hate where you live. Many people suffer depression after a relationship breaks up or after the death of a loved one. Some people can get depressed because of the seasons. Depression happens to us all for a variety of reasons.

For me it’s a very different.

I’m quite often depressed for no real reason. Often there is no trigger to my depression, it just comes and hangs around for a 2-4 months then goes again. Trying to explain depression in Bipolar to others is really difficult because people will never truly understand it, even if they know you well.

I can only speak about my own experience. Many bipolar sufferers may experience depression if a different way but ultimately all bipolar sufferers end in a dark place that can be a living hell!

When I describe my depression I tell people it’s like a slow earthquake. No matter how well you prepare for it you can never be sure of the magnitude or even the damage it will do. My depression  shakes my body to the core and my life collapses around me.

The hardest part for me is that most of the time there is no trigger. If there was a trigger I would be able to work to control it, avoid situations and keep myself from slipping into the nightmare that can last for 2-4 months at a time.

Over the years I have learned to read some of my behaviour which enables me to recognise that things are changing. I keep mood diary’s and fill in a daily chart which shows the pattern of my mood, sleep, eating habits , esteem levels and also my weight. Even with all these things I put in place nothing can stop the depression.

I also get “depression attacks”. this is not a recognised medical term, it’s just a name me and the people in my life have come up with to describe what happens.  These “depression attacks” happen outside of depression cycle.

An example -

I have a friend who is very well known in the sporting world. I was invited to his 21st Birthday party.  The party was an amazing experience because it was at a hotel where he invited the rest of his sporting friends plus other people connected with them. There were people from TV there, people from the music industry and also other people who have done really well in life. It was a very surreal situation. I had one of the best nights of my life and it will be one of the events I will never put to the back of my mind.

After the party I was on an ecstatic high (legally) and felt great.  As soon as I got to my hotel room I broke down for absolutely no reason at all. I could feel the happiness slipping out of my body. I got under the bed sheets and just cried for around 4 hours. I don’t know why that happened. these moments happen very regularly.

When a period of long depression sets it I usually have the following symptoms:

• Feeling really low all day, even looking at people can become a task
• I lose interest in most things, even my beloved football.
• I don’t find anything pleasurable. I could win the lottery and would just shrug my shoulders and go back to bed
• I put on loads of weight even though I lose my appetite.
• I stay in the house, I don’t go out. There is a world outside my front door, I don’t want to see it and it does not want to see me
• Sleep is a major problem , I either sleep for 16 hours a day or not sleep at all
• I feel totally drained. everything I do requires extra amounts of effort. Even getting a shower becomes a chore
• zero concentration. I can’t read a book, I can’t work and in the worst cases I can’t even cook
• I get this feeling of total worthlessness. I can’t accept compliments, praise or recognition.
• I react badly to people criticising me and can sometimes trigger suicidal thoughts
• I get this feeling of guilt that I hate. I feel really bad about something but half of the time I don’t know what!
• I think about death quite often. Not always killing myself but just death in general. What it would be like, What the world would be life the day after I’m gone.
• suicidal thoughts which on more one occasion I have tried to act on.

My depression probably accounts for 65%  - 70% of my mood state.  Every person with bipolar is different and would probably describe it in a different way tough so remember this is just my personal experience.

Some of my depressions can be very dark and on a few occasions they have led to me trying to take my own life.  Other periods of depression can be a little less harrowing but they are still very hard to battle through, not just for me but for my family and friends. They feel helpless and frustrated and I just don’t want to be around anybody.

First Signs

I can become depressed very quickly

When I’m slipping into depression the first things that I notice is that I start getting texts and emails asking if I’m OK. This may not seem significant but for me it’s the first warning sign. I am a Facebook and twitter addict. I post 10-20 times a day when I’m on an even keel or manic. When I’m going down I lose interest in people and I stop posting.  I don’t notice this but my friends do. Then they start checking up on me.

I also stop responding to texts and phone calls. This is not because I can be bothered with them, I just don’t feel like engaging in any conversation, even if it’s by text.

The next thing that people will notice is that I start taking things that are said and written very personally . I’m very outspoken and don’t usually care what people think and say about me. When the depression is here every criticism hurts

Following on from all of the above I will very quickly stop wanting to go out. Even going to the shops for some milk and bread can be a real chore.

Within a week or two I become withdrawn, tired and miserable.

My sleep patterns will change dramatically. Even though the health workers insist that I have to try and keep a regular sleep pattern it can become unworkable. One night I will sleep for 10 – 16  hours then spend the next day laying on the sofa  feeling drained. I will cry most of the day then go lay back in bed. But then I might not sleep for another 24 hours. I will lay in bed thinking about how shit I am.

I over analyse my life. every mistake I have make, every opportunity I have missed and everybody I have let down. It’s like my brain won’t shut down.

I have the same problem with sleep while I’m manic, however the thinking and excessive brain activity is usually about things I can do and ideas I have had. If you have ever had an Idea while in bed and not been able to sleep then you will know what I mean. When I’m manic the sleepless nights because of Ideas in my head and it can go on night after night.

I gain lots of weight because of the lack of activity, even though my appetite is vanished. Also the medication I am on can cause weight gain.

Personal hygiene becomes a task, although I have yet to leave the house stinking. The problem usually arises when I’m at home and don’t want to leave the house. I won’t shave for 8-10 days and maybe only brush my teeth on a morning.

 Feeling worthless and feeling of guilt

This is a real battle for me. I will start to feel like I don’t even have a right to live and for no apparent reason. This is a real danger area because if this feeling gets too deep  it can trigger the thoughts about suicide.

about 9 years ago I was hit by a car. Not badly it was a very low speed accident and it only caught my side. I suffered a broken wrist and a few broken ribs. I was able to get up and walk away from the accident. I actually got up and walked home. I dint go to hospital or report the accident to the police. In my mind I was thinking that I deserved to be hit by the car so I won’t bother taking up valuable hospital time or running the life of the driver by reporting it. A day or two later the police managed to trace me. The accident had been seen on CCTV . I was taken to hospital and sorted out .

I also get uncontrollable feelings of guilt. It’s hard to explain but an example would be the time when I won an award for my graphic design work. When I went up to collect my award I could see the other nominees. They were clapping with disappointed looks on their faces. Inside I felt like I had broken into their house on Christmas day and set fire to all the kids toys. The guilt was unbearable and I hid away for days after.

Thoughts about death and suicide

It’s awful for me to talk about it and even worse for my family and friends to read about it but it is apart of my life that will never go away. I can’t tell you what my feelings are like at the time because I can’t recollect them. To be so low and numb that my body no longer has feeling other then despair is something that can’t ever be explained, not by me anyway.

At some point there is a line of thought that is crossed. I have crossed that line a few times and only have my diary pages to recall what I was thinking up until the attempts on my life.

Some people will say that an attempted suicide is a cry for help or attention seeking. With me it’s absolutely not! I don’t plan it, I don’t leave a note or threaten it. I simply slip away from society and become invisible and that’s how I hope I will remain.

At some point I will probably publish the pages from my diary. but not today. These are moments from my life that I can’t share just yet.

I’m will blog about depression more over time. It’s a very deep and complicated subject. Its also a serious situation that demands more awareness. Bipolar can be hell

To the outside world my Mania is obvious and people can see a pattern of acceleration in my Behaviour.  for me, Mania is just as normal as any other day. I don’t even know I am manic until I end up in some crazy situation. even then I don’t have too many concerns.

Imagine you are an astronaut and you’re in your space shuttle on the launch pad. Outside of the shuttle the whole world is watching, the can see the clock ticking down and then Blast off, higher and Higher you go, faster and faster and eventually you’re out of reach for sometime on a crazy adventure. Eventually you will land back on earth, everybody is relieved that I’ve made it. That’s for the people outside anyway!

From my point of view, well, I’m inside the shuttle, There is no radio communication, There is no countdown I don’t even know the shuttle  has left! I’m just sitting in my shuttle where everything is normal. The first thing I hear about my trip in the shuttle is when people are telling me about it after I have crashed back to earth. The decent back to earth can be pretty horrendous, I don’t even know why I’m on this mission, I don’t look forward to life back on earth.

The people who don’t know I have Bipolar Disorder just assume I’m mad. Many will encourage my manic behaviour because its entertaining for them. Some people will run a mile or cut me out of their lives completely because I become unbearable.

My Manic episodes will usually result in the following

• No sleep because my brain won’t turn off
• weird eating habits
• increased friskiness (yes of a sexual nature)
• unbelievable creativity
• being annoying to others
• rapid talking (you can’t get me to shut up for a moment
• Spending
• 100′s of brilliant Ideas
• Felling more important than normal
• Playing stupid pranks
• On some occasions I believe I have some kind of special power.
• irritation that the world is not keeping up with me or jumping on board with my ideas.

When I have extreme mania, there can be problems in functioning in a normal way.

I usually have to work from home, if I can work at all. Luckily for me I am a graphic artist. Mania is useful in some respects because it gives me the Ideas I need to produce amazing work.

Ultimately mania can be just as destructive and hard for my friends and family as much as the Depression can.  Mischief can turn to mayhem and misery for others around me.  There is a misconception that Mania is all about going crazy and having a fantastic time. One of my close friends once told me that ill “never need to take recreational drugs to have a blast”.

To the outsider Mania can be seen as me having a good time. The reality is quite different most of the time.  Often my Mania is frustrating and occasionally frightening!.

Bellow are two extracts from a Diary I have kept all my life. Both extracts are form a period of Mania but at different times .

August 16th 2007 10:17am

“Why is it that people don’t listen to anything i tell them. We were supposed to be going to the Trafford Centre at 10am this morning and its now 10:16.  16 minutes late so far!!!!!!  IT makes me so angry that I’m trying to move on with my day and sop called friends are pissing about trying to ruin my life.  I know what your all up to, don’t think I don’t! I can see it coming!!!  ”

The post above was taken from my Diary. Sometimes when I’m manic I will write in my Diary 10 – 20 times a day. I don’t know why I do this but I’m glad that it’s something that I do. This is because I can look back on what I have done and how I have been to try and understand my own behaviour . As you can see from the scan of the page, I was angry while writing and writing so fact that the pen could not keep up. It looks almost like a toddler has written it.

This day I had arranged to go to the Trafford centre with a friend who was supposed to pick me up at 10am. She got caught in the Manchester traffic. Not her fault. My Mania was at a place where I was really frustrated that the world was not spinning fast enough. It made me flip out. I felt like I was moving around with the world shackled to my feel and I just needed to boot it into touch.

I had it in my mind that everybody was against me and trying to fuck life up for me. It seems stupid now and I laugh and cringe at the same time, but when your living it, that is your reality and it’s not a good place. Even if it is mania.

July 4th 2009 04:00am

“I’m now into day 3 with no sleep. so that’s 72 hours wide awake. I’m really fed up now. I just want to see the back on my eye lids for at least 8 hours. I wish my brain would just turn off. Stupid thing. Please let me sleep. I just need to go somewhere or do something to  tire my mind out.  The stupid ARSEHOLE quack won’t give me any sleeping pills I need to sleep . . . . Stupid fucking brain switch off”

While writing this I remember hitting myself in the side of the head really hard out of anger and frustration.

8 Hours after I wrote this I was in Hospital after collapsing with exhaustion. Not every person with Bipolar will suffer these type or extreme symptoms during mania. I’m simply telling you how it is for me

So now you have a little Idea what mania is like for me. There are 100′s of stories I could tell you but the bottom line here is . . .Mania is not as fun as Eastenders makes it out to be.

Over the next few weeks I will be talking about a full period of mania. from start to finish complete with videos , pictures and documents from the time it happened.

I’m also going to pluck up the courage to talk about the other side to bipolar, which is the depression that makes my life a living hell.

If you feel this website might be useful to your friends please tweet the URL or share on Facebook. I read somewhere that Mental illness effects 50% of the population either directly or indirectly.

I have an unusual Hobby. I operate Ghost hunts! Yes just like the ones you see on the TV show “Ghost Hunters”. I do around 8 per year depending on finances and numbers. The hunts are NOTHING like the TV show “most haunted” That show is so crap, for example you never see anything or hear anything.

My “ghost hunts” take place all over the north of England and operate in groups of 4-8.

I used to live in York which is the world’s most Haunted city (depending on what you read) so there was plenty of opportunity for some spooky action !

There is a Bipolar connection to the reason I g0t into doing these ghost hunts. Back in 1995 I was in a period of depression. Sad to say that this was one of the times that I was having lots of thoughts about my own death and giving it all up. I felt pretty worthless to be honest. I knew a place where there was an old mill that had been empty for as long as I had been alive.
For what ever reason I had in my head at the time, I decided to go to the mill. I took some items from home and basically checked into the mill with the intention of starving myself to death, really that was my plan.

On the first night in the mill I saw something that even to this day still makes me shudder, Thankfully it was not Margret Thatcher in a bikini, that would drive the most sane person to suicide!  I saw somebody sitting on the concrete staircase. I’m not saying it was a “ghost”, It could have been a homeless person, a  junkie, or even my depressed brain seeing things. But one minute it was there, the next it was gone.

I was so down at the time that even being freaked out like that didn’t make me snap out of it. Would  just spend the night times under my blanket with my fingers in my eyes sweating with fear just in-case I heard or saw something again.

Eventually my belly overruled my depression and I went home. From that moment on, whenever I passed the Mill I would look up at the building and wonder what it was that I saw.

About 15 months later I was in a manic period again.

My mania took me back to the warehouse where I had stayed 15 months before. This time I was there as a bloody ghost-buster ha ha. I spent a night going round the warehouse investigating.
Being a teenager at the time, my school friends thought I was off my rocker but came along anyway. I think the Mania gave me the confidence to act on my curiosity. From that moment on I was interested in this kind of thing and have been ever since.

Mania gives me the belief and confidence to do anything that I probably would not normally do because I would worry about what others think about me.

We all have beliefs, interests and desires that we never act upon. I’m telling you it a waste of life. If it floats your boat, Get on the boat before it sails without you, If you don’t your boat might as well just sink!

This advice is for everybody. Not just bipolar sufferers or people with other illnesses. Tonight could be the last night of your life because you never know what is going to happen tomorrow.

I thought I would share some images and video from a small ghost hunt we did in York in 2008. the building is 500 Years old and in the last 80 the top 3 floors were totally untouched. Unfortunately I did the Ghost Hunt with a very close friend and some guy he worked with, All professionalism went out of the window and the hunt descended into chaos. It was a very scary and hilarious evening all at the same time.

PICTURES – From the 500 year old building in York that we investigated.  The building is what I would call “proper” hunted house stuff

I am quite lucky that I can generally afford my spending sprees up to a limit, however now and again I over step the mark!

Everybody  human being has a wish list of things they would like to buy. It could be one big thing like a certain car or many smaller purchases like TV’s or exclusive designer clothing. These desires are perfectly “normal”

Imagine you are in the shop where your desired item is for sale.  you have just been paid and have a whole months wages in your bank account.  The Item costs £1000 you have £1200 in your bank. You have enough money to buy this item right? Well yes you do theoretically. You could buy the item and walk out the store a happy chappy. But while you are thinking about it, something in your brain switches on and tells you  ”oi! don’t you dare, it will only leave you with £200 for the month to live on and that’s before you have even paid your mortgage or rent”  Your brain is telling you that even though you have the money in the bank YOU CANT AFFORD IT! .  you might even try and have a quick argument with your brain and try to justify it but in the end your brain stops you from making the purchase. You think  ”oh well maybe save a bit first”

Thats for “normal” people.

For people with bipolar, going through a period of mania the conversation with the brain in the store is very different. In my case usually none existent.

the conversation I have with my brian in periods of mania usually go like this:

me ”hmmmm nice big TV. Its £1000″

manic brain ”buy buy buy buy”

me ”yeah OK then”

manic brain ”good lad, your deserve it because you work hard”

me ”you know your right, shit I’m going to buy the overpriced stand for it too”

manic brain ”gooood idea”

Within 15 minutes of this conversation I will be leaving the store with the TV paid for and delivery arranged.

It wont be until my current manic episode calms down that I will realise that I have just blown £1000 of something that I didn’t need.

My mania can be very severe and sometimes acute. Because of this I have taken sensible steps to stop me from getting into serious debt. I have blacklisted myself! I had to contact the credit reference agencies and beg them not to to let me have credit!

Illusions of grandeur also accompany the spending. This can be quite hard to explain.

A good example would be taking a train ride from Manchester to Liverpool.  It usually cost me £15.80 return standard class.  Most people will choose this option because its only 50 minutes on the train. Surely anybody can put up with the piss heads and the over crowding for that amount of time?

During the manic months the grandeur will set in and I will have so such association with standard class. (snob)  And if one thinks for a moment that one is going to stand for the journey then one is very much mistaken. I will swap my usual Burger king meal for Marks and Spencer’s overpriced delights and sit in FIRST  CLASS on the train. . . . .yes for an extra £32 you can have a curtain and a table lamp. Not to mention the 2cm extra leg room. Oh and throw in a complete stuck up TWAT in a tie sitting next to you and you are now part of the Transpennine Express first class elite.

Grandeur does not happen very often but when it does be warned . . . one can become quite a pompous so and so what what what

so now you have a little background information in how my condition effects my spending habits.

This leads me to list 5 things that I have bought while manic . . . . .

1) A 14 X 60 1975 New Moon II  Mobile Home . . . . . in Ohio USA. cost £500

So there I am on Ebay back in 2003 looking to buy some genuine rock brought home from the moon. When my search brought up this static caravan (not the one in the picture but i’m sure it was like this) .  It was parked in some “Trailer park” in Ohio where there had apparently been a few Murders and a few shootings. But that didn’t put me off, £500 and I would never have to worry about a mortgage ! I could live in the caravan and start a new live over the ocean! BARGAIN!  . . . .I bought the caravan from Ebay and to this day I have still not seen the dam thing, although I do have the keys . . somewhere.

2)  1152  T-shirts in 24 boxes with the phrase ” FREE  DEIRDRE” written in them . cost £518.40

2008. Inspired my Tony Blair’s rally in parliament and backed by the campaign by the sun newspaper.  Deirdre Rachid’s imprisonment was a total disgrace. I wanted to show my support to the cause and got 24 boxes of “FREE DEIRDRE” t-shirts printed and tried to sell them to market traders in Manchester. I think I sold 1 box to some weirdo in Bury.

3) a flight to the edge of space . . . flighing 70’000ft  in a Russian MiG-31. cost £9795

Actually one moment of madness I don’t regret.  In 2003 I was touring around Russia with one of the bands I was working with. While I was there I decided I visited the Space museum and come across this wonderful opportunity to fly in a MiG. The flight took you so high up that you can see the curve of the earth and also the blackness of space above you, your actually in the Stratosphere ! !   Apart from my son being born and the love of a certain woman in my life it was the most amazing experience ever! for about 5 minutes I was the highest person on the planet.  I did however not think the cost through, I just transferred the money from my bank into the account of this Russian company and did it without a thought.  Lets just say that when I got back the the UK and had to explain to the wife that the extra money from the house sale had gone. I didn’t come off to well . . .she actually used the phrase  ”and the money we had saved up had gone into orbit”  erm well yeah!

4) A horse called Collin  . . . . Cost£450 (by accident!)

in 2009 I was visiting a friend in Ireland. he took me to his local pub to meet the locals.  I got talking to a guy called James McDonald.  He had a strong local accent and I spent most of the time just smiling and nodding at him. I didn’t have a clue what he was really saying. All i know is that he was talking about horses.  Some guy come over and explained to me that James was a horse trainer and was very big in the racing world. What I didn’t know is the guy how told me James was a trainer was taking the piss out of James and actually James was the Village idiot and lived with his aging mother and 3 scabby horses.

As the night went on and a few drinks flowed I ended up giving James £450! I thought I was investing in a champion horse and my return was going to be massive . . . narrrrrr (or neighhhhhhhhhhh ?)

I soon discovered that I had actually BOUGHT the horse. The horse was called Colin and there was less meat on it than a chicken McNugget!

I explained to James that I had been mistaken in the purchase of this champion and that I might have a little trouble at the check in desk at Ryanair.  James suggested that he bought the horse back off me for £100 . . . . . hmmmm pleasure doing business with you , you shit

5) An allotment in . . . . . . . . Baghdad. cost . . . £6.70 per year

One of my sideline jobs is photography. I used to work freelance and also do work for the Press Association. In 2008 I went to Iraq with a small team to document the lives of the Baghdad public. Being manic at the time put me in a very dangerous position because I thought I was 100% safe.  I would wonder away from the security detail without telling anybody and go taking pictures. Very stupid and very dangerous.  By 2008 the locals were beginning to trust the west a little more that they did a few years earlier.  I was there for a period of 3 months. While there I became friendly with a nice family who really looked after us. They had an allotment that was used to grow veg and fruit and also hide weapons in the conflict.

The allotment space was massive, half the size of a football pitch.

I just had to get a plot and paid 5 years fees upfront !  I even panted some seeds and got the ground really nice!  . . . ive not been back to Iraq since 2008 so im thinking that the harvest might be a little over due ?

so there you have 5 things I have spent money on while manic!

So I thought I would publish the report from one of the first meetings I had while in the 18 month diagnosis period.

Part of diagnosis is elimination. There are many factors in mental health that can lead to the correct diagnosis. One of the first things they look at is whether my symptoms are psychotic. To assess this I had to attend a “Comprehensive Assessment of at Rick Mental States” assessment (CAARMS). This is conducted by the Early intervention team.

My was conducted over 6 weeks with each meeting being around 2 hours. The assessment is made up of lots of questions that are very personal and sometimes uncomfortable.

What you are about to read below is the final CAARMS assessment report. (I have changes and omitted some names and information to protect the privacy of others)

_______________________________________________

CASENOTE P50254

Thank You for meeting with me on Monday 9th February. I am writing to summarise the assessment that we completed at that meeting.

The assessment that we used is called the comprehensive assessment of at risk mental states (CAARMS). This is designed to help us try to understand your current difficulties and identify whether you may be at risk of further difficulties in the future.

In this assessment you were able to describe some of the difficulties that you have been having in the last 12 months. You described to us Stressors around your ex partner causing difficulties for you and the recent death of your Father.

You described some significant changes in relation to your mood. You described cycles of “high” mood and “low mood”. Your perception of the world, thinking pasterns and taste of food can change dependent on mood. For example, when you are going high you will often experience racing thoughts and you will like the taste of spicy food more. You described these changes taking place every 3-4 months.

You have described some changes in your body which is concerning you. You have describes a crunching sensation in your head and pain behind your eyes which is getting worse. You have also describes a floating sense when walking. as though your body is filled with helium. you report this usually lasts for a moment and will happen 1-2 times a week. when this occurs you report you need to sit down which normally makes the feelings go away.

You described sometimes having an unusual experience when waking up whereby on occasions you have seen a rat or spiders in your bed. you acknowledge that they couldn’t be there. You have reacted to this by jumping out of bed and franticly trying to look for the creatures. You report that this is happening more and more often.

You describe fluctuations on your concentration depending on your mood. You also describe frequently changing between tasks and having “10 projects on the go at once” you describe this is how it’s been all your life.

You describe yourself as an emotional person and when you get very low and depressed it can “knock you for 6″

At this moment in time you describe feeling mentally and physically drained. you state you will cancel appointments, sleep badly and don’t get up. you describe periods where you “shut down” and stay in your room, This usually happens every 3-4 months. You also describe feeling irritated all the time and on occasions you will “go into a rage”. You described a recent incident where you ripped the taps off the sink due to dripping water and had to by some more and pay for an emergency plumber.  you also describe feeling irritated when your high due to things not happening quick enough.

You have reported that you are feeling emotional and withdrawn and your confidence is ”at an all time low”.

It is clear to us that you are experiencing significant difficulties with your mood, in particular relation to feeling “high” and “”low” which subsequently affects your thought process, emotions and functionality. It does not appear however that this is in relation to a psychotic illness and therefore we do not feel you are suitable from the input of the Early Intervention Team. It is apparent however that you need input from the community mental health team and need further assessment.  I will feedback this information to your Doctor and also the CMHT who will contact you in due course to make a further appointment.

Kind Regards

[omitted]

Early Intervention Team

_____________________________________________________________

The early days of assessment cam be quite tough I had  issues I had not dealt with and issues that I had put to the back of the mind. At first it felt like I was being opened up like a tin of tuna. The mental health workers had the tin opener and kept turning it until my lid was  fully open. Once my lid had been taken off they squeezed the rest of the juice from me.  It was a tough time but in many respects I felt good after the appointments because finally somebody as listening.

Anybody reading this who is about to have appointments or is worried that they might need to see a doctor then my advice is simple. don’t worry, Get to the appointment. see your GP and mental health team. You will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of your shoulders eventually

There is life after diagnosis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* actually they don’t wear white coats at my hospital, but their scene of fashion is still worrying 

Every so often I will vanish from the face of the earth, my facebook will go quiet, there will be no tweets, The local cake shop goes into recession and my son finally has full control of the remote control.

The reason I vanish is because I “check in” to my mental health unit as an “informal patient”.

This generally means that I admit myself voluntarily because I and my mental health team believe that I’m struggling.

Before I explain about my hospital stays I will quickly tell you about how the mental health hospital system works.

There are usually FOUR types of psychiatric hospital care in the United kingdom:

Acute Admission Wards (AAW):

Have around 10 – 20 beds. there is a staff ratio of one nurse to 4-5 patients. the wards can be part of a general hospital, usually in the larger hospitals or in many cases a separate psychiatric unit.  Landing in the AAW is usually the first stage of treatment for a mentally ill person. Depending on the condition of a patient , most leave after 1-2 days then go home. Its a little bit like a mental health triage. If the condition is more serious the patient will will transfer to an Intensive care ward or even a medium secure ward (both explained below).  If the initial condition on admittance is bad enough, the patient may me admitted straight to these two types of wards, bypassing the AAW. This usually happens is the patient is showing signs of aggressive or potentially harmful behavior.

Intensive Care Wards (ICW):

Are usually small wards, sometimes with as little as 8 beds. Quite often the wards are part of the larger Mental health unit. Normally the Wards are locked. The type of patient catered for on the ward is usually a person who needs short-term care, intervention and treatment. The nurse / patient ratio is around two nurses to three patients.

Medium Secure Units (interim ward)

Are usually much larger wards and have high levels of security. they cater for patients needing longer-term care. Some large general hospitals (usually university hospitals)  in the UK have these wards and will take patients from a wide area. They can take people from the criminal justice system for assessment. The nurse / patient ratio is around two nurses to three patients.

High Security & Special Hospitals

such as Broadmore and Ashworth cater for people with a mental illness and who are also detained under a home office section as a result of criminal proceedings. This is because the patients have specific needs and security issues that are hard to meet in other psychiatric hospitals. on average, the patients are DETAINED for five to seven years, although it can be longer and in extreme cases it can be for life.

Being Sectioned – what does it mean?

“being sectioned” is actually an unofficial phrase. It means compulsory admittance to a psychiatric hospital or ward. So in other words, somebody with a mental illness can be sent to or kept in hospital for assessment and treatment WITHOUT their consent. This is usually only done if doctors feel that the patient poses a serious risk to themselves or others.

What Is An Informal Patient?

An informal patient is anyone that agrees to admit themselves to a psychiatric hospital VOLUNTARILY.

Many psychiatric patients are admitted informally and , in theory are free to walk out of the hospital at anytime. However if the hospital feels that the patient needs to remain at the hospital they have the power to detain you for 72 hours until the legal process gets under way. This is known as “holding power”.

Me And My Hospital

I have been sectioned 4 Times in 12 years. But I will talk about that later. Usually the sectioning means I’m going through some of my very darkest days and its not all that easy to discuss.

I usually admit myself to hospital, so I’m known as an Informal patient . I call it “checking in” because its very much like booking into a hotel for me. I get on the phone to my crisis team and mental health workers and tell them I need to come and stay for a while.  Of course they don’t say  ”OK love see ya in a bit”  no, its not that simple, but to put it in to simple terms, when I know I’m not coping or things are not going good I check myself in. the hospital is my safety net. without the hospital I can 100% guarantee you that I would not be here telling you all about it now.

What I’m telling you now if all from my point of view. My feelings and experiences. Its by no means the same for everybody, so if your here researching your own condition remember that this is how it is for me.

So by now you have probably got an image of me with my hair all stuck up in the air, rocking back and forth in my chair sat in a white gown in the corner of a room The room is full of similar characters. You can see a man banging a plastic cup on his head, somebody talking to his slippers and then there is a guy with walking in circles repeating a radio commentary of a sports game 25 years ago  . . again and again and again.  You can probably imagine that there is rows of big creaking metal beds that look they have just come off a Russian submarine. You can imagine lots of screaming and crying and misery.  you imagine the walls are cold and grey, the floors are black and white check, The windows have big white bars on them like a Victorian prison.

Am I right? OK almost?

Apart from the Crying,  Mental health units are surprisingly pleasant places to the eye. The facility are probably better than a normal hospital. They are very bright and cheerfully decorated to try and create a calm friendly atmosphere. The hospital I use is anyway.

Its still a tough decision to go in there, I know that if my mental state reached a certain point I wont be allowed to just leave when I feel ready.

While I am in there, I tend to do lots of thinking and life assessments. When I come out I can be quite numb. no real emotion. Other times I can come out feeling like I can take on the world, full of life and bursting with Ideas

One thing that is certain, I am never ashamed of going into hospital. Why should I be? In many cases it has kept me alive! I will say this 100′s on times in these posts . . . .I am me and this is my life. The people involved in my life have two choices. Either except me for who I am, or piss off.

So in this blog today im going to draw on a few life experiences and try to explain how I coped with it.

The Tragedy

In September 2003 my then girlfriend who I loved more then life itself gave birth to my first son Jack.  I could not believe it. Me a dad!  As a new dad, sitting in the delivery room can be just as emotional for us men as it can for the women giving birth. Sitting there all I could feel was worry that something could go wrong and I would lose both my partner and my son. On the other hand I was about to be a dad, I wanted to make every moment special so that it would stay with me forever.

Then out he came. Baby Jack, 7lb 2oz. He was my son . I made him. From that moment on everything in life was about making sure jack had a happy life and that I could be the best dad ever.  When I held him for the first time it was like a tidal wave of emotion, he wrapped his little fingers around my fingers as if he knew that i was here for him.  Most fathers reading this will know what i’m talking about and how it feels.  I walked over to the window with him and looked out talking to him about how much I loved him, and how I was going to give him the best start in life. Everything was perfect.

The day he was born I was asked to go home and get some rest and to also let mum and baby have some rest.

About 9am the next morning I was setting off to the hospital to see my girlfriend and my son then I got a phone call.  It was the hospital.  The lady on the other end said ” can you come into hospital ASAP, its nothing to worry about but we need you here”

Nothing to worry about??? my arse!!. I went next door and woke the neighbours and get them to drive me in right away. I ran all the way down to the wards and into the room where my girlfriend and son was.

I was informed that my sons brain was swelling and in effect “being crushed” .  I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer! They took him to theatre and did god knows what on his tiny body. After 12 hours they declared that the operation was a “success” but he was still very a very sick boy.

I spent the night on the baby Intensive care unit with my hand through one of the holes in the cot, again jack was holding my finger. I can remember leaning my head on the edge of his cot and at some point I fell asleep. His fingers gripping my index finger.

Then I was awoken by the sound of the machine alarm going off.  I was almost barged away by a team of doctors and nurses that come crashing into the room. They took him away and I followed still trying to get my head around what was happening.

I was taken into a room and then my Girlfriend was brought in, in a wheel chair. We was told to “wait for more news”.

I thought to myself , I’m not sitting here, and went into the room where they had taken jack.

Everything from then on seemed to play out in a surreal slow motion.  I pushed the doors open and as I went in I saw my son laid on the bed with no tubes, no monitors and nobody helping him. I could see 2 nurses coming towards me with distressed looks on their faces.  my gaze was fixed on my son, then somebody said  ”I’m so so sorry . . . . .” I didn’t hear the rest.  I could hear the blood draining from my head, it was like the room evaporated and I could just see my son laid on the bed dead.

He lived for 10 hours 33 minutes.

The day of jacks funeral was just as harsh as the day he died. I’m a religious man but that day really tested my faith. The vicar used the phrase “we are here to celebrate the life” That made me so angry because he didn’t have a life.

The hardest part was picking up his coffin which only measured 8ocm long. I walked out of the church and into the cemetery. The longest father and son moment I got with my son was carrying his body in a 80cm box and putting him in a hole in the ground

People say god works in mysterious ways.  If this is the case then maybe the bible should be done under the trades descriptions act because They day my son was taken god was no where to be seen.

God was absent again 3 weeks later. I came home to find my girlfriend hanging from the back of jack’s bedroom door. There was a glass panel above the door. She had smashed it and tied the extension lead around it then around her neck. If you will forgive me, I cant even type the rest  . . .

My whole world had gone within three weeks.

Dealing with the Tragedy

Dealing with these events would test anybody of normal sanity, so for me, I was about to embark on one of the biggest mental health struggles in my life. Its fair to say that I wanted to join my girlfriend and son. It was obvious that I was going to be a danger to myself.  So I was “sectioned” for the second time in my life.

“normal” people will find way to cope. There will be counselling available and sometimes medication helps.

When you have bipolar, the danger is that you bypass the downward spiral and you just go straight to the bottom. Its like your brain had already greased the slide to suicide with misery so that you slide to the bottom much faster.

I cant remember much of being in the hospital for the first three weeks. I didn’t care where I was. I can remember going to sleep thinking, no even begging “please don’t wake up”. Every thought for a while was trying to find a way to die without being stopped.

Over the weeks and months, with tonnes of counselling and “therapy” plus lots of medication I gradually picked myself up. and within four months I was deemed ”safe”  and went home.

One of the ways in which I helped pick myself up was by getting involved with a Charity that helped people who had suffered a death of a child. I got myself involved deeply so it flooded my mind.  The Child Bereavement Charity (click here for more information) quite possibly saved my life.

From this dreadful experience I have found my own coping strategy with tragedy. I try to balance out what has happened by occupying my mind with something positive, although I can only do this once im out of the danger zone.   By keeping busy and almost obsessed with something or a project then I can block out what has happened and keep going.  Eventually over time the tragedy does not sting so much, of course it still hurts but the blocking out method initially worked for me.  My case workers don’t like me becoming obsessed with a project because it can lead to mania with me.

I know this will have been uncomfortable for you to read. I cant even describe how hard it is to write about it.  But its an event that shaped the rest of my life and it had to be talked about after all this blog is about me and my life.

Jack and his mum now lay in a cemetery in Manchester. I visit them every week, sometimes I sit and talk for hours.  I know they listen to me. they probably tell me to shut up.

Never Forgotten

I went through a manic episode which isn’t the best from of mind to be working in a bank.

One lunchtime I decided that I didn’t want the pack up that was sat in my desk draw so I decided to go to Gregg’s bakery and grab a chicken tikka pasty.  I also needed to go to the council and let them have a copy of my passport for some job I had applied for.

There I am walking down towards the town hall, all suited and booted in my bank uniform, pasty in one hand and passport in the other . . .

Then I saw something in the window of the travel agents.  Flights to Spain!  I stood there for about 10 Min’s eating my pasty looking at this advert.

Before I knew it I was on a train to the Airport!

I walked around the flight desks and finally found a flight to Alicante (which serves Benidorm) I paid for the flight and went to my gate.

The flight was due to fly 60 mins after I booked it so perfect timing.

Meanwhile back in the office at the bank, My computer was still logged in, Lunch still in my draw and my coat on the back of my desk chair. Every so often im sure an very annoyed line manager checked to see if I was back . . .

Thing is I was up in the air and flying to spain . . . in my suit!

When I got to Spain I turned my phone back on and there was 2 voice mails. One from my boss asking where the hell I was and if I was OK?, the other from my girlfriend asking if I could pick up a Chinese on the way home.

I walked out of the airport into the Spanish sunshine, it was July and 41 degrees. I thought it would be a good Idea to undo my tie a little.

Behind me there were holiday makers flocking out of the airport and on to coaches. They were dressed for the occasion, shorts and t-shirts.  I was stood there with black trousers , shiny shoes and and Shirt and tie.

Suddenly I realised what I had done. I thought  ”shit! I’m going to be late back to work”

I got a tap on the shoulder, I turned round and was confronted by the “tracksuit family”. A very over weight man and woman, with their 4 horrid children.  the woman says “eeyaaa love do you work for Thomas Cook?”  I replied  ” do I look like a bloody holiday rep?”  she replied ” yeah”

I just turned round and walked back into the airport to book a flight back to Manchester.

I got a flight booked but it didn’t leave until 8:30pm Spanish time I had a few hours to kill.  So I jumped into a taxi and went into Benidorm

just as I arrived my phone rang again, it was my boss

“Where are you? are you ok?”

me ”hi , yes I’m OK thanks”

her ”where are you then why didn’t you come back to work?, all your stuff is still here”

me ”i’m in Benidorm”

her “What the hell are you doing in Benidorm?”

me ” I don’t know”

her ” what do you mean you don’t know, how can you not know”

me ” I just fancied going to Spain while I was on my lunch break, so I went and here I am”

her ”when are you coming back?”

me ”on my way now”

she hung up

So I made my way back to the airport in time for my flight. Landed in Manchester, took the train back to the city centre and went to pick my stuff up from the bank.  My desk was just as I left it before I went for my lunch.

On my way home I got a call from the girlfriend . . .

“hiya love are you on your way home yet? I called to find out where you was but some idiot was trying to be clever by saying that you was in Spain ha ha, why didn’t he just say you was working over?”

“ha ha , what are they like, sorry love ill get that Chinese on my way home, see you soon”

YES! not going to get a bollocking !

when I got home, we ate our Chinese food and went to bed. When I took my shoes off loads of sand fell onto the carpet , it had collected in my shoes from when I went for a walk on the beach  . . in my bank uniform.

I thought I had got away with it until one afternoon   in the  Arndale centre in Manchester I was out shopping with the girlfriend, I was tapped on the shoulder and there was the tracksuit family that I had seen in Spain

“hiya your that holiday rep we talked to in Benidorm aren’t ya”

oh shit!