A bipolar Blog

I suppose one of the reason’s I talk about my mania so much is because it’s easier to discuss it. Everybody likes a good story about funny things that happen. Talking about the miserable lows can be uncomfortable and distressing for both me and the reader.  The other reason I talk about the mania so much is because when I’m depressed or on a real low, nothing much happens outside of my head. I stay in my room, I don’t go outside.
Mania is Eventful, Exciting and quite often menacing and dangerous for me and other around me.

To the outside world my Mania is obvious and people can see a pattern of acceleration in my Behaviour.  for me, Mania is just as normal as any other day. I don’t even know I am manic until I end up in some crazy situation. even then I don’t have too many concerns.

Imagine you are an astronaut and you’re in your space shuttle on the launch pad. Outside of the shuttle the whole world is watching, the can see the clock ticking down and then Blast off, higher and Higher you go, faster and faster and eventually you’re out of reach for sometime on a crazy adventure. Eventually you will land back on earth, everybody is relieved that I’ve made it. That’s for the people outside anyway!

From my point of view, well, I’m inside the shuttle, There is no radio communication, There is no countdown I don’t even know the shuttle  has left! I’m just sitting in my shuttle where everything is normal. The first thing I hear about my trip in the shuttle is when people are telling me about it after I have crashed back to earth. The decent back to earth can be pretty horrendous, I don’t even know why I’m on this mission, I don’t look forward to life back on earth.

The people who don’t know I have Bipolar Disorder just assume I’m mad. Many will encourage my manic behaviour because its entertaining for them. Some people will run a mile or cut me out of their lives completely because I become unbearable.

My Manic episodes will usually result in the following

• No sleep because my brain won’t turn off
• weird eating habits
• increased friskiness (yes of a sexual nature)
• unbelievable creativity
• being annoying to others
• rapid talking (you can’t get me to shut up for a moment
• Spending
• 100′s of brilliant Ideas
• Felling more important than normal
• Playing stupid pranks
• On some occasions I believe I have some kind of special power.
• irritation that the world is not keeping up with me or jumping on board with my ideas.

When I have extreme mania, there can be problems in functioning in a normal way.

I usually have to work from home, if I can work at all. Luckily for me I am a graphic artist. Mania is useful in some respects because it gives me the Ideas I need to produce amazing work.

Ultimately mania can be just as destructive and hard for my friends and family as much as the Depression can.  Mischief can turn to mayhem and misery for others around me.  There is a misconception that Mania is all about going crazy and having a fantastic time. One of my close friends once told me that ill “never need to take recreational drugs to have a blast”.

To the outsider Mania can be seen as me having a good time. The reality is quite different most of the time.  Often my Mania is frustrating and occasionally frightening!.

Bellow are two extracts from a Diary I have kept all my life. Both extracts are form a period of Mania but at different times .

August 16th 2007 10:17am

“Why is it that people don’t listen to anything i tell them. We were supposed to be going to the Trafford Centre at 10am this morning and its now 10:16.  16 minutes late so far!!!!!!  IT makes me so angry that I’m trying to move on with my day and sop called friends are pissing about trying to ruin my life.  I know what your all up to, don’t think I don’t! I can see it coming!!!  ”

The post above was taken from my Diary. Sometimes when I’m manic I will write in my Diary 10 – 20 times a day. I don’t know why I do this but I’m glad that it’s something that I do. This is because I can look back on what I have done and how I have been to try and understand my own behaviour . As you can see from the scan of the page, I was angry while writing and writing so fact that the pen could not keep up. It looks almost like a toddler has written it.

This day I had arranged to go to the Trafford centre with a friend who was supposed to pick me up at 10am. She got caught in the Manchester traffic. Not her fault. My Mania was at a place where I was really frustrated that the world was not spinning fast enough. It made me flip out. I felt like I was moving around with the world shackled to my feel and I just needed to boot it into touch.

I had it in my mind that everybody was against me and trying to fuck life up for me. It seems stupid now and I laugh and cringe at the same time, but when your living it, that is your reality and it’s not a good place. Even if it is mania.

July 4th 2009 04:00am

“I’m now into day 3 with no sleep. so that’s 72 hours wide awake. I’m really fed up now. I just want to see the back on my eye lids for at least 8 hours. I wish my brain would just turn off. Stupid thing. Please let me sleep. I just need to go somewhere or do something to  tire my mind out.  The stupid ARSEHOLE quack won’t give me any sleeping pills I need to sleep . . . . Stupid fucking brain switch off”

While writing this I remember hitting myself in the side of the head really hard out of anger and frustration.

8 Hours after I wrote this I was in Hospital after collapsing with exhaustion. Not every person with Bipolar will suffer these type or extreme symptoms during mania. I’m simply telling you how it is for me

So now you have a little Idea what mania is like for me. There are 100′s of stories I could tell you but the bottom line here is . . .Mania is not as fun as Eastenders makes it out to be.

Over the next few weeks I will be talking about a full period of mania. from start to finish complete with videos , pictures and documents from the time it happened.

I’m also going to pluck up the courage to talk about the other side to bipolar, which is the depression that makes my life a living hell.

If you feel this website might be useful to your friends please tweet the URL or share on Facebook. I read somewhere that Mental illness effects 50% of the population either directly or indirectly.