A bipolar Blog

The following post is a very general summary of how depression in bipolar has controlled my life. Please be aware that these words are my own thoughts and personal experiences and do not necessarily reflect the thoughts and experiences of all bipolar sufferers. For more information on this website please read the “about the blog” page

Everybody gets depressed. There are times in our lives when we feel really low, it’s a natural thing that is built into us.

It is believed that most depressions can be brought on by an event or your personal circumstances. It could be that you hate your job or hate where you live. Many people suffer depression after a relationship breaks up or after the death of a loved one. Some people can get depressed because of the seasons. Depression happens to us all for a variety of reasons.

For me it’s a very different.

I’m quite often depressed for no real reason. Often there is no trigger to my depression, it just comes and hangs around for a 2-4 months then goes again. Trying to explain depression in Bipolar to others is really difficult because people will never truly understand it, even if they know you well.

I can only speak about my own experience. Many bipolar sufferers may experience depression if a different way but ultimately all bipolar sufferers end in a dark place that can be a living hell!

When I describe my depression I tell people it’s like a slow earthquake. No matter how well you prepare for it you can never be sure of the magnitude or even the damage it will do. My depression  shakes my body to the core and my life collapses around me.

The hardest part for me is that most of the time there is no trigger. If there was a trigger I would be able to work to control it, avoid situations and keep myself from slipping into the nightmare that can last for 2-4 months at a time.

Over the years I have learned to read some of my behaviour which enables me to recognise that things are changing. I keep mood diary’s and fill in a daily chart which shows the pattern of my mood, sleep, eating habits , esteem levels and also my weight. Even with all these things I put in place nothing can stop the depression.

I also get “depression attacks”. this is not a recognised medical term, it’s just a name me and the people in my life have come up with to describe what happens.  These “depression attacks” happen outside of depression cycle.

An example -

I have a friend who is very well known in the sporting world. I was invited to his 21st Birthday party.  The party was an amazing experience because it was at a hotel where he invited the rest of his sporting friends plus other people connected with them. There were people from TV there, people from the music industry and also other people who have done really well in life. It was a very surreal situation. I had one of the best nights of my life and it will be one of the events I will never put to the back of my mind.

After the party I was on an ecstatic high (legally) and felt great.  As soon as I got to my hotel room I broke down for absolutely no reason at all. I could feel the happiness slipping out of my body. I got under the bed sheets and just cried for around 4 hours. I don’t know why that happened. these moments happen very regularly.

When a period of long depression sets it I usually have the following symptoms:

• Feeling really low all day, even looking at people can become a task
• I lose interest in most things, even my beloved football.
• I don’t find anything pleasurable. I could win the lottery and would just shrug my shoulders and go back to bed
• I put on loads of weight even though I lose my appetite.
• I stay in the house, I don’t go out. There is a world outside my front door, I don’t want to see it and it does not want to see me
• Sleep is a major problem , I either sleep for 16 hours a day or not sleep at all
• I feel totally drained. everything I do requires extra amounts of effort. Even getting a shower becomes a chore
• zero concentration. I can’t read a book, I can’t work and in the worst cases I can’t even cook
• I get this feeling of total worthlessness. I can’t accept compliments, praise or recognition.
• I react badly to people criticising me and can sometimes trigger suicidal thoughts
• I get this feeling of guilt that I hate. I feel really bad about something but half of the time I don’t know what!
• I think about death quite often. Not always killing myself but just death in general. What it would be like, What the world would be life the day after I’m gone.
• suicidal thoughts which on more one occasion I have tried to act on.

My depression probably accounts for 65%  - 70% of my mood state.  Every person with bipolar is different and would probably describe it in a different way tough so remember this is just my personal experience.

Some of my depressions can be very dark and on a few occasions they have led to me trying to take my own life.  Other periods of depression can be a little less harrowing but they are still very hard to battle through, not just for me but for my family and friends. They feel helpless and frustrated and I just don’t want to be around anybody.

First Signs

I can become depressed very quickly

When I’m slipping into depression the first things that I notice is that I start getting texts and emails asking if I’m OK. This may not seem significant but for me it’s the first warning sign. I am a Facebook and twitter addict. I post 10-20 times a day when I’m on an even keel or manic. When I’m going down I lose interest in people and I stop posting.  I don’t notice this but my friends do. Then they start checking up on me.

I also stop responding to texts and phone calls. This is not because I can be bothered with them, I just don’t feel like engaging in any conversation, even if it’s by text.

The next thing that people will notice is that I start taking things that are said and written very personally . I’m very outspoken and don’t usually care what people think and say about me. When the depression is here every criticism hurts

Following on from all of the above I will very quickly stop wanting to go out. Even going to the shops for some milk and bread can be a real chore.

Within a week or two I become withdrawn, tired and miserable.

My sleep patterns will change dramatically. Even though the health workers insist that I have to try and keep a regular sleep pattern it can become unworkable. One night I will sleep for 10 – 16  hours then spend the next day laying on the sofa  feeling drained. I will cry most of the day then go lay back in bed. But then I might not sleep for another 24 hours. I will lay in bed thinking about how shit I am.

I over analyse my life. every mistake I have make, every opportunity I have missed and everybody I have let down. It’s like my brain won’t shut down.

I have the same problem with sleep while I’m manic, however the thinking and excessive brain activity is usually about things I can do and ideas I have had. If you have ever had an Idea while in bed and not been able to sleep then you will know what I mean. When I’m manic the sleepless nights because of Ideas in my head and it can go on night after night.

I gain lots of weight because of the lack of activity, even though my appetite is vanished. Also the medication I am on can cause weight gain.

Personal hygiene becomes a task, although I have yet to leave the house stinking. The problem usually arises when I’m at home and don’t want to leave the house. I won’t shave for 8-10 days and maybe only brush my teeth on a morning.

 Feeling worthless and feeling of guilt

This is a real battle for me. I will start to feel like I don’t even have a right to live and for no apparent reason. This is a real danger area because if this feeling gets too deep  it can trigger the thoughts about suicide.

about 9 years ago I was hit by a car. Not badly it was a very low speed accident and it only caught my side. I suffered a broken wrist and a few broken ribs. I was able to get up and walk away from the accident. I actually got up and walked home. I dint go to hospital or report the accident to the police. In my mind I was thinking that I deserved to be hit by the car so I won’t bother taking up valuable hospital time or running the life of the driver by reporting it. A day or two later the police managed to trace me. The accident had been seen on CCTV . I was taken to hospital and sorted out .

I also get uncontrollable feelings of guilt. It’s hard to explain but an example would be the time when I won an award for my graphic design work. When I went up to collect my award I could see the other nominees. They were clapping with disappointed looks on their faces. Inside I felt like I had broken into their house on Christmas day and set fire to all the kids toys. The guilt was unbearable and I hid away for days after.

Thoughts about death and suicide

It’s awful for me to talk about it and even worse for my family and friends to read about it but it is apart of my life that will never go away. I can’t tell you what my feelings are like at the time because I can’t recollect them. To be so low and numb that my body no longer has feeling other then despair is something that can’t ever be explained, not by me anyway.

At some point there is a line of thought that is crossed. I have crossed that line a few times and only have my diary pages to recall what I was thinking up until the attempts on my life.

Some people will say that an attempted suicide is a cry for help or attention seeking. With me it’s absolutely not! I don’t plan it, I don’t leave a note or threaten it. I simply slip away from society and become invisible and that’s how I hope I will remain.

At some point I will probably publish the pages from my diary. but not today. These are moments from my life that I can’t share just yet.

I’m will blog about depression more over time. It’s a very deep and complicated subject. Its also a serious situation that demands more awareness. Bipolar can be hell